


Earthly Pleasures

by irritablevowel



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:06:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4476974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irritablevowel/pseuds/irritablevowel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Minako crashed on Usagi and Mamoru's couch, she saw more than she bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Earthly Pleasures

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Antigone2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antigone2/gifts).



Minako awoke with a groan. She’d been doing that a lot in the past few weeks. It had been a sweltering summer in Tokyo, and she had sweated it out in her dingy, air-conditionless apartment as long as she could. 

At first, her usual method of coping with midsummer heat—taking a cold shower right before bed and lying spread eagle across her futon with half a dozen rotating fans pointed directly at her—had worked reasonably well. Then Mother Nature turned it up a few notches, laying on a heat so thick and oppressive that not even a wall of rotating fans could possibly stand a chance against it. So, Minako had to get out the big guns.

Up first in her line of hot-weather artillery was sleeping in the bath, which kept her nice and cool, but had the unfortunate side effect of nearly causing her untimely demise when she actually managed to fall asleep and nearly drowned. Next she tried soaking a sheet and hanging it across her studio apartment’s wide-open balcony doors. That worked reasonably well until the sheet blew away sometime around 2AM on the second night and she awoke at 4AM with the already insufferably bright sun shining in her eyes. Next up was freezing her underwear, which proved to be the start of an interesting evening, but ultimately failed in its duty to actually help her sleep. 

Drastic times get the tough going, and Minako had had enough. It was time to make the call she was dreading: Usagi.

Usagi had moved in with Mamoru a few months prior, and the couple was deep in the midst of wedding planning. Though Minako fancied herself quite the love guru, long-term, monogamous relationships left her somewhat uninspired, and Usagi and Mamoru were the most longest-term, disgustingly monogamousious couple she knew. At 21 and 26, they already acted like an old married couple. They were just so exasperatingly _boring._

When Usagi had first become engaged two months ago and tearfully asked Minako to be her maid-of-honor, she had cheerfully joined the rest of the girls in helping Usagi with all things wedding related and immediately called dibs on bachelorette party planning. But after the fifth phone call spent listening to Usagi talk about napkins, Minako was over it. Yet as agonizing as the idea of spending the next several days listening to Usagi discuss the pros and cons of various styles of chairs for the reception might be, Minako was going to have to tough it out or risk melting into a puddle. 

Truthfully, Minako would have preferred staying with one of her other close friends. But after an unfortunate incident last summer at the condo Ami still shared with her mother involving two guys from down the hall and a flooded bathroom, Ami’s mother had instituted a strict no-Minakos-welcome-overnight rule. Rei lived at a temple that had no air conditioning, so she was totally useless. And Makoto was out of town for a summer internship and had sublet her apartment, which left Minako with one option. An option that had glorious, wonderful air conditioning in _every_ room. . . .

And that’s how Minako found herself sleeping—or at least attempting to sleep—on Mamoru and Usagi’s couch. 

Although the first night had been bliss, their sofa didn’t exactly make the most comfortable bed. And since Usagi slept best in footie pajamas and under at least one blanket, the air conditioner was more or less constantly running. Minako was now actually worried that she was catching a cold from the frigid home.

Minako wasn’t sure exactly what had awoken her, but she knew she wouldn’t be getting back to sleep easily. Her legs were stiff from being unable to stretch out fully for the last few nights, and one arm had been awkwardly wedged between the seat cushions and the sofa’s frame and was now thoroughly asleep. After flapping her numb arm around for a few painful minutes, the feeling had finally fully returned. Minako then decided her best course of action was to get a drink of water, go pee, then try to fall back to sleep (perhaps with a third blanket, this time). 

As quietly as she could, Minako tiptoed over to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. So far, so good. 

The next phase, however, did not quite go according to plan. 

As she was quietly making her way down the hall to the bathroom, she heard a noise. It was a woman. A woman moaning. A woman moaning in Usagi and Mamoru’s bedroom. 

Minako stood frozen in the hallway, listening to her friend’s gasps of delight and carnal pleasure. For a brief minute, Minako was unsure what to do. Then, a devious smile spread across her face. 

Now _this_ she had to see.

Though Minako knew that Usagi had lost her virginity a few years ago, she had always wondered how passionate her friend’s sex life really was. The reincarnated Moon Princess had no problem showing her love and affection toward her Earth Prince in public, but Mamoru was always guarded and was clearly just tolerating her public displays of affection. The two had been together for over 6 years and Minako had only ever seen them kiss in a polite, chaste manner. Any time Minako pressed Usagi for details about their sex life, she would just blush and giggle, then quickly change the subject. Minako had always pictured the two of them having boring sex in boring missionary in his boring bedroom and never deviating from this formula—not that either of them would know any better. Neither had ever been with anyone else and neither was particularly adventurous—at least as far as she knew. Usagi was barely able to make it through the first half hour of “Fifty Shades of Gray,” and Minako doubted that Mamoru even knew what a clitoris was before he went to medical school. She hoped he knew what it was actually for. . . . 

Minako slowly began creeping toward their bedroom door. It was cracked open; a sliver of light shone across the dark hallway like a beacon. Silently, Minako pressed one eye to the gap in the door and looked in. 

What the Goddess of Love saw truly shocked her. 

There sat Usagi, being intimate _not_ with her fiancé, but with a slice of chocolate cake. With each bite Usagi moaned in pleasure—the chocolate confection stoking something primitive within her. Beside Usagi lay Mamoru, fast asleep with a textbook open on his chest. 

Minako slammed the door open. 

“Usagi! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Mamoru sat up, blinking dumbly as Usagi stared wide-eyed at her fuming friend. 

“Minako . . . what’s wrong?” she innocently inquired.

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong. _That’s_ what’s wrong!” she responded, pointing accusingly at the offending slice of cake.

“Oh. This? Well, there’s still another piece in the fridge if you want it. . . .” Usagi offered.

Minako let out a strangled cry of frustration. Then, after glaring at both of the confused people before her with all of the disgust she could muster, she slammed the door. 

That was the last night Minako spent with the Chiba-Tsukinos. 

The next night, Minako met a cute (enough) guy with air conditioning at a bar near work. Their relationship curiously lasted exactly as long as the heat wave, but Minako made sure it was well worth his while.

After all, God helps those whom beggars choose.

* * *

Mamoru curiously eyed the brightly colored present lying on his doorstep. He picked it up, looking in vain for a tag. Tucking the mysterious package under his arm, he went inside.

“I’m home!”

“Welcome back!”

“Hey Honey?” he asked, taking off his shoes. 

“Yeah?” Usagi replied, coming into the hallway to greet her fiancé with a peck on the cheek.

“Do you know what this is about?” he asked, holding up the present.

Usagi took the package from him, turning it over in her hands a few times. “Nope, not a clue.” She pondered its origin for a few moments. “Oooh, maybe it’s an early wedding present?” 

“You’d think they would have left a tag or something if that were the case.”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out!” she declared, bounding into the living room and plopping down on the (now blissfully vacated) couch. Mamoru followed, settling down next to her. 

“Why don’t you do the honors, Usagi?” he offered. She gave Mamoru a brilliant smile, then ripped off the wrapping paper with the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning. Her enthusiasm turned to confusion as she looked at the unwrapped book that now sat on her lap.

“The Kama Sutra?” she inquired, looking at Mamoru. He shrugged, bewildered. 

“Who on Earth would buy us a thing like that?” he pondered as she traced a finger over the title. They looked at each other, then burst out laughing. 

“It’s too bad we already have this copy,” she pouted, sticking out her bottom lip.

“No wait, look!” he said, pointing to the cover. “It’s the 5th edition! Ours is only the 4th!” He grabbed the book off her lap and began quickly paging through. 

“Oh my god, Usako. There’s an entire _new section_.” He stared at her, his eyes wide.

She raised an eyebrow and gave her fiancé a knowing look. “Well? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” she asked, grinning.

“I’ll grab the chocolate syrup and meet you in the bedroom,” he said, rushing toward the kitchen. 

Usagi smiled as she pranced to the bedroom, shedding articles of clothing along the way. She was truly grateful that, after all that they had been through, they were now free to enjoy all of life’s Earthly pleasures.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by Luna, who made the astute observation, "You know, Usagi has a pure love for Mamoru . . . but she has a pure love for eating and sleeping as well." Don't we all, Luna?


End file.
